Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Shame - the story of my life.
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