wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
