just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Randomize
