So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
