If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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