Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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