She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
lets start a swedish sibling band together
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
