Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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