Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
