did you get engaged???
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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