Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
