The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
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it's not cheating when I paid for it
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
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My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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