I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
