god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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