I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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