i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
A bitchslap is in order.
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