More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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