There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize