Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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