She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
