I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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