I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
