Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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