she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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