I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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