so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
