I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
i think i just lost a toe
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
