I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
