I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
