I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
