Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
