my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
