she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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