Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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