my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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