last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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