I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
accomplished twins. life is a go
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
