He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
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Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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