her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
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Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
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TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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