I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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