Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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