just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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