So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
