oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
