I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
