he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
