Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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