I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
