yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
