Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
