My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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