When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
