Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
