Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
