i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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