What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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