Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Randomize
