I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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