I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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