i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
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