when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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