when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
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I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
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Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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